Fed up employee seeks Good Boss for vacant management position
That heading didn’t come from a real classified ad, but don’t you wish it had? In a fair and just world, wouldn’t the laid off, unemployed, or unhappily employed be able to interview their current and future bosses to ensure they’re not getting stuck with complete idiots? Don’t you wish employees could run classified ads seeking good bosses? That said, I decided that turnabout was fair play and based on my own experiences, wrote an ad looking for a good boss, or at least, not a really bad one. I haven’t actually run it yet. I’ve still got some tweaking to do. If you’d like to add your own requirements, please feel free to do so in the comment section. Without further ado:
Help Wanted: Frustrated and browbeaten ex-employee seeks really Good Boss
Frustrated ex-employee seeks Good Boss for management position. To be considered, candidates must have at least 15 minutes prior, successful management experience. Repeatedly telling your husband/wife/child/pet what to do is not, despite common perception, previous management experience. Neither is managing to get to work the morning after an all night drinking binge, managing to put a matching outfit together and/or managing not to get arrested, despite repeatedly breaking the law. Degreed individuals must have graduated from schools that are not made up by the applicant and/or are not owned by your cousin, your father’s golf buddy, or the infomercial king who has just been arrested for tax evasion. Additional qualifications and requirements include:
- Ability to speak authoritatively without being laughed at by employees, to your face and/or behind your back
- Ability to increase productivity without frightening employees and threatening violence and/or termination. Relying on references to Jim Jones’ cult as a motivational tool will result in immediate expulsion from the company (and hopefully the country)
- Must know and remember the names of all six employees that report to you, especially after they’ve been there an entire year
- Must be able to go an entire day without; swearing, referring to female employees as girls and/or referring to various employees as “the Black”, “the Asian”, “the fat guy” etc. (see requirement #3)
- Must know that Microsoft Office refers to software and is not, in fact, a physical location in the building. When apprised of the fact, must not pretend you knew it all along
- Ability to remain sober and off furniture at holiday parties and sales meetings; If intoxication occurs, must be able to sober up before year end sales presentation the following morning
- Must know what you are talking about at least 51% of the time
- Some travel required – must be able to quickly get off high horse when it becomes abundantly clear you have messed up big time…again
Three non-family, non-paid, human references required.* Email resumes to firstname.lastname@example.org.
*Satan is not an acceptable, or desirable reference.
Tomorrow: APB Issued for Good Management – Employees say they haven’t seen it in ages.