I stayed with my really bad boss for a couple of years. But in the end, after a lot of hard work and smart job hunting, I did eventually leave the boss I now refer to as the Troll.  Along the way I collected my share of hard knocks. There were days when things were so bad that at the end of the day I’d collapse in tears, too mentally and physically drained to even eat. And lets be clear – me not eating is like 90 degree weather in Alaska – its very rare and demands immediate investigation. My family and friends got me through the roughest times and when I realized I would have to stay in those jobs longer than I’d wanted to, I decided that if I had to stay, I’d learn as much as possible while I was there.

As my bosses piled assignment after assignment on me, in areas outside of my field of expertise, I scoured the Internet, signed up for online courses and learned whatever I needed to. I worked for an international company that offered free language classes online – so I took them. When I was tapped to develop training materials in an area in which I had little experience, I called friends and former colleagues who offered great advice and assistance.

As for my mental well being – I found that as I focused more on the invaluable experience I was gaining, and less on the Troll who was running the company, my days went by quicker and I began to enjoy my evenings and weekends again. In the end I was able to use everything I learned working for the Troll to secure my next position. During the interview when I was asked if I had experience doing  thing ‘A’, I was able to say, “Interestingly enough, while  thing ‘A’ wasn’t in my original job description, I stepped up to the plate, got the training I needed and have been performing ‘A’ successfully for the past year.” Being able to confidently say that during my interview was the cake…getting a job offer shortly after was the icing.

How are you coping with a really bad boss? Share your coping strategies with us in the comment section.

This article was originally posted on 4/09

Years ago when jobs were plentiful (ask you parents about it), if you had a really bad boss, you’d do one of two things. You’d hit the streets – literally – in search of a new job, or you’d bite your tongue, bide your time and wait for your pension.  These days when you hit the streets, the streets hit back and pensions have gone the way of the 8-track tape and Betamax (ask your parents about that too.)  So, for many of us, for now at least, we’re stuck with our really bad bosses a lot longer than we’d planned on. So, how do you deal with a really bad boss when leaving just isn’t an option?  The answer is, one day at a time.

My most stressed times dealing with bad bosses came in anticipation of the things I feared they would say and do.  After “disobeying a direct order” (my non-military bosses actual words,) I spent an entire weekend tossing and turning, worried that I would show up to work on Monday, only to be unceremoniously escorted out the door by our version of security (the HR manager off her meds).  But after spending my entire weekend worrying about Monday, on Monday my boss never even mentioned the incident.  In fact, she never brought it up again.

Then there was the time I totaled the company car.  Yes, I totaled the company car…during my second week on the job.  Giving my really bad boss at the time, a man who never required a legitimate reason to scream and curse, the legitimate reason to top all legitimate reasons.  As he screamed and cursed at me at length in his office, I tried to defend myself – citing the helium balloons in the back seat of the car I’d hit, the full moon, and the questionable chicken salad sandwich I’d had for lunch as possible causes of the accident. It was terrible – the sandwich and the meeting with my boss.  So terrible in fact, I thought my job and career were over.  They weren’t. I survived that boss’ verbal beat-down and every one that came after that for the two years I worked for him.

The point is, we typically can’t control the actions of our really bad bosses, but we can control ours.  No matter how bad our bosses are, we work for them, and work we must. We can either do that work in anxiety and fear, or we can choose to take the high road.  By taking the high road – the road less travelled – we live above the noise and the nonsense.  If we work at it, we’ll be able to see a lot more, learn a lot more and experience the phenomenal personal and professional growth not readily found elsewhere. It’s a cliché’ for a reason, but the best way to deal with any life challenge, even one of the really bad boss variety, is one day at a time.

How do you cope with your really bad boss? Tell us in the comment section. We’ll share all your tips in a future post.

What the blogosphere’s saying about bosses this week…

When bosses from hell attack – Kenya McCullum compiled some bad boss from hell stories and shares them with us.

When the going gets tough, some bosses get tougher – Tony Deblauwe asks, why is bad boss behavior more prevalent? We think it’s because tough times reveals people’s true character. What do you think?

Easing work blues by learning to manage your boss – Anita Bruzzese suggests depersonalizing – that means no voodoo dolls or kidnapping plots.

How to survive working for a jerk – Anita Bruzzese offers more advice on surviving your jerk of a boss.

Managing an aggressive boss – How you respond to the aggression may help you hold on to your sanity.

Six months out of college, and desperate to be working in my field, I took the first job that was offered to me.  Never mind it required me moving cross country within a matter of weeks and paid far less than I’d ever imagined I’d be working for.  I was just happy to have a job in my field.  During the interview, the owner of the small, family owned business promised me that within six months, if I’d proven myself as a fast learner and hard worker, I’d receive a pay increase.  By all accounts, including his, I’d done that and more within those first six months, but I got nothing from the owner. Not an “at a girl,” not a “good job,” and definitely not a pay increase.  It was at this job that I got one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten about bosses.  An older woman who’d worked at the company for years pulled me to the side one day and told me, “anyone who hires as impulsively as this guy does, behaves just as impulsively in every other area.”  In other words, as quickly as he hired me and promised me a pay increase (I was interviewed and hired on the same day) was as quickly as he could and would be likely to renege on his promise. Of course she was absolutely right. It was the first time I’d experienced a boss lying to me.  It wouldn’t be the last.

As I mentioned last week, the HR Manager at another job answered my questions about turnover rates by telling me that there were individuals still working with the company, even after 20 years.  Technically, she didn’t really lie to me.  She employed what a friend calls, “selective omission.” By focusing on the individuals with tenure, she kept the focus off of the rest of the staff who’d been part of an ongoing procession through the company’s revolving front door for years.  She also didn’t mention that the tenured individuals, all two of them, were  neurotics who spent their days obsessed either about the job or being fired from it.  And, she certainly neglected to  mention that she herself was teetering on the edge of a meltdown.  In all fairness, I didn’t ask.  But, who thinks to ask about the mental stability of the staff of the company they’re interviewing with? And if you did have the audacity to ask, wouldn’t that automatically remove you from the running?

The truth is, the first time I was lied to by my boss, I was young, naive and desperate for employment.  The next time it happened, I was older, had years of work experience under my belt, and was still desperate for employment.  Desperation and hope – the Sweet Deceit – led me to put blinders on. I’ll take more responsibility for not reading some of the writing on the wall this last time.  But the bottom line is, I was still misled.  And while I don’t have the right to expect interviewers to reveal the deep, dark secrets of their companies to me, I do have the right to honest answers to honest questions. Don’t we all?

A reader from Australia commented yesterday about an employer who’s gaining a reputation as a company who mistreats its employees, and has the high turnover rate to prove it. She talked specifically about a director who took “great pleasure in bullying her employees.”  Reading her comment dredged up old feelings of anger and sadness I felt in the days when I worked for people just like that.  It’s a lonely, oppressive feeling.  You want desperately to get out, but the reality of needing your job outweighs everything else.

My really bad bosses have run the gamut from domineering men who were sexist, verbally abusive and just plain old offensive, to women, much like the one my reader alluded to, who ran their offices like a boarding house, bullying everyone just to make them feel better about themselves.  But regardless of the type of boss, or their gender, the resulting outcome was the same; an office of demoralized, demeaned individuals, desperate to get out.  And maybe the most disheartening part of having a really bad boss, is the eventual realization that neither Human Resources or upper management is coming to the rescue.

As a really bad boss “survivor”, I’d encourage those of you currently dealing with one to hang in there.  If your situation is anything like mine was, leaving right now might not be an option.  I’ve always said, you can’t always change the way people treat you, but you can change the way you react to them. The justifiable anger and frustration you’re feeling, is only eating you up. Trust me, your tool of a boss is sleeping like a baby and not spending one second of his self important life worrying about you.  The fact of the matter is, worrying about the worse case scenario never prevented it from happening.  But preparing for it can.

If you’re someone who’s gotten out from under a really bad boss, share your experiences and lessons learned in the comment section.  You never know how many people you might be helping.

Step 14 says not to ask Human Resources to intervene.  That suggestion is not going to make competent HR professionals very happy, but based on personal experience and feedback from our readers, we think the article makes a valid point when it says HR often supports management.  Mary was notorious for that. When she wasn’t too busy planning potlucks or buying gifts for male subordinates, she was climbing comfortably into upper management’s back pocket.  What are your thoughts on taking management issues to HR? Waste of time, or worth it?  Tell us in the comment section after the jump.

6.  Watch everything he does, and do the opposite – When bosses are really bad, the best lessons come from paying very close attention to what they’re doing and just as importantly, not doing. If your boss’ habit of screaming at employees to increase productivity results in increased productivity and a turnover rate approaching 100%, understand that screaming at your employees probably isn’t the best way to go at it.  Creating nurturing, encouraging environments on the other hand will improve productivity and create a place where good employees are more likely to stay. 

7.  Pick your battles wisely – I once had a manager who, despite the sweltering southern heat,  insisted that her female employees wear pantyhose to the office.  Her thinking was that it made us appear more professional.  Never mind we had some of the worst customer service ratings in our region, the paint was peeling off the walls and at least once a month cars were broken into in the parking lot. No, in her mind, the key to cracking the professionalism code lay in wearing pantyhose. It was an asinine rule and it drove us crazy. But instead of waging all out war against the pantyhose, we asked for changes in other areas that truly impacted our customers’ view of the office.  She wouldn’t budge on the pantyhose, but she did authorize a paint job and a security fence.

8.  Don’t try to change him – This piece of advice is boss specific. If you’ve got a relatively young boss with little experience, his soul may still be intact and therefore still reachable.  Gentle suggestions worded to sound like his ideas, might bring about the changes you desire. On the other hand, if your boss has been a really bad boss since dot matrix printers were the rage, then refer to suggestion number 6, watch what he does and do the opposite.

9.  Don’t let them see you cry ­– There’s no crying at work. Ever. Not if you want to be taken seriously.  Unfortunately for me, when I get really angry, rather than punch someone or something, I cry.  It’s not pretty, and it’s not professional.  I was guilty of it very early on in my career, but soon realized my boss took a sadistic pleasure in seeing his employees squirm, fidget and yes, cry.  Sitting in the Reprobate’s office weeping after wrecking the company car, I decided that no matter how hard he came at me in the future, he’d never again see my tears.

10.  Don’t stoop to their level – When you’re under pressure  and under a really bad boss, it can be difficult, very difficult, to live above the nonsense. Middle managers are in the worst position of all, dealing with really bad bosses above them and really bad employees reporting to them.  Resist the temptation to treat your employees and colleagues the way the big bad bosses do.  Treating your colleagues and employees well will get their respect and loyalty when you’ll need them the most.

Next week:  Create a master plan and stick to it.

1. Work as though you have the best job and the best boss in the world– Cruel I know, but it works. Take it from me. Much like a relationship, when the thrill is gone from a job (if it was ever there to begin with) it’s really hard to make an effort, especially when the person on the receiving end is an ungrateful, unyielding, good for nothing… umm…boss. The truth is, when you bring your A game to every assignment, every meeting, every challenge, regardless of whether or not your boss notices, you’ll develop exceptional skills that will work wonders for you when you eventually move on to the job and boss that are perfect for you.  In your new digs, when everyone’s crumbling under pressure because the boss has a hang nail, you, having survived the incoherent ramblings of an intoxicated CEO, will be the picture of calm productivity, and for that, you’ll be elevated to rockstar status.
2.  Know you’re probably smarter than she is, and she knows it– Knowing you’re the smartest person in the room can provide you with a quiet confidence that belies your current circumstance.  As employees railed against mistreatments and the ridiculous antics at the hands of our really bad and stupid boss, I plugged away diligently at the tasks at hand, convinced that the degree hanging over her desk had been purchased from the nearby Goodwill store. When she created her own private system of mathematics rather than owning up to an error in her calculations, she confirmed my suspicions.  Her frustration upon being confronted with the error and her anger that she’d been found out, had me smiling widely…on the inside.  Which brings me to the next tip…
3. If you need your job, don’t let your boss know that you know, just  how bad he really is – In fact it’s a good idea not to discuss your boss’ shortcomings with colleagues either.  With the exception of Human Resources (except if your HR Manager is Mary), discussing your boss’  lack of mental ability at work is a bad idea.  You never know who you can trust.  A colleague laughing along with you at the boss’ new system of math, might be the first one at her door offering up the latest office gossip.  Also, oftentimes what makes a bad boss bad is his or her inability to accept anything but praise. Keep in mind, we’re talking about bad bosses here.  When a boss is really bad, feedback, even when given with the best intentions, is often unwelcomed and undigested. The exception to the rule about not discussing a bad boss with anyone is when your boss is involved in unethical or illegal behavior.  For those bosses, contacting the EEOC might be a good starting point.
4. Document everything – This suggestion was actually submitted by several readers. My guess is they’ve all been burned, as I have, by a boss saying one thing, doing another, then blaming them for the fallout.  On some occasions having an email confirming my boss’ instructions helped, on others it was (unbelievably) ignored. Nevertheless, having a paper trail to document that I’d followed instructions to the letter, gave me piece of mind. It’s a sad commentary on management when you’ve got to maintain a private dossier ala The Firm to avoid being thrown under the bus, but that’s the reality of business these days.  If you’re in a particularly bad situation, blind copy correspondence between yourself and your boss to your personal email (if it doesn’t contain private customer information.)  If it ever comes to the point where you’re escorted out of the office without a chance to gather your evidence effects – as I was - your personal email might turn out to be a life saver.
5. Take time away from the madness every day – This is a simple one, but most of us don’t do it. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, stepping outside to get some air, take a short walk or spend a few minutes mindlessly leafing through a magazine at the local drug store helps put the job and the boss in perspective.  There were many times when  my ability to find a single bright spot in my day made the difference between a good day and the day ending with me collapsing in the fetal position at my front door. When your boss is insane, every minute of sanity you can savor for yourself is worth it.

Next Monday:  Part 3 – Dealing with a Really Bad Boss – Watch everything he does, then do the opposite

Thankfully no one was injured in the accident.  I still remember the two block walk of shame to the office that morning, after a totally sleepless Sunday night.  As my new colleagues sped by me on their way to work, I sensed more than saw them looking at me in their rear view mirrors wandering why the new girl was walking to work.  They all knew I had been given a company car and like a scene from The Office, were all peering over the receptionist’s shoulder when I arrived several minutes later.  I could have taken a cab, but in addition to the car, the company was paying for me to stay in a hotel until I found an apartment.  I thought it would be pretty presumptuous to take (and expense) a cab to work the day after totaling the car.   

 It’s a testament to the saying “time heals all wounds” that I really don’t remember much of the conversation that took place that morning.  I do remember that it involved a lot of cursing on the Reprobate’s end (in two languages) and quite a bit of apologizing and tears on mine.   I was pretty young then, so crying was one of the only coping mechanisms I had mastered at the time.  I think I must have blacked out for a couple of minutes too because I remember someone handing me a bottle of water and seeing half of it on my shirt a few minutes later…or maybe that was sweat.  In any event, my point is this.  I dreaded that Monday morning probably more than any Monday morning I’d ever had before then and have ever had since.  Yet I survived.  I made it through the swearing, spitting (yes there was spitting) and crying that day.  Had I known 10 years later that I wouldn’t even remember the conversation clearly; I would have slept that Sunday night.  Had I known that the next two years would involve a lot more cursing, a lot less tears, and me ending up no worse for the wear, I would have had a lot fewer sleepless nights. 

It took several more bad bosses and Monday morning mayhems for me to learn that we can’t always control how our bosses treat us, but we can control how we respond.  Our really bad bosses get our talents, our time and our energy, but we own our emotions and our responses to theirs, no matter how erratic they might be. The next time I was faced with a Monday morning mayhem of that magnitude, I slept on Sunday night – not like a baby – but like an adult who knew in her heart that no matter what the boss dealt me on Monday morning, everything would be all right in the end.

I stayed with my really bad boss for a couple of years. But in the end, after a lot of hard work and smart job hunting, I did eventually leave the boss I now refer to as the Troll.  Along the way I collected my share of hard knocks. There were days when things were so bad that at the end of the day I’d collapse in tears, too mentally and physically drained to even eat. And lets be clear – me not eating is like 90 degree weather in Alaska – its very rare and demands immediate investigation. My family and friends got me through the roughest times and when I realized I would have to stay in those jobs longer than I’d wanted to, I decided that if I had to stay, I’d learn as much as possible while I was there.

As my bosses piled assignment after assignment on me, in areas outside of my field of expertise, I scoured the Internet, signed up for online courses and learned whatever I needed to. I worked for an international company that offered free language classes online – so I took them. When I was tapped to develop training materials in an area in which I had little experience, I called friends and former colleagues who offered great advice and assistance.

As for my mental well being – I found that as I focused more on the invaluable experience I was gaining, and less on the Troll who was running the company, my days went by quicker and I began to enjoy my evenings and weekends again. In the end I was able to use everything I learned working for the Troll to secure my next position. During the interview when I was asked if I had experience doing  thing ‘A’, I was able to say, “Interestingly enough, while  thing ‘A’ wasn’t in my original job description, I stepped up to the plate, got the training I needed and have been performing ‘A’ successfully for the past year.” Being able to confidently say that during my interview was the cake…getting the job offer three weeks later was the icing.

For years I wasted entire Sundays absolutely dreading Monday mornings.   The uneasy feeling would start to creep in on Saturday night, and by Sunday evening, I was a basket case.  For many of us Monday spells the end of the weekend, the start of the work week and a return to a real tool of a boss.  Facing a really bad boss on a typical Monday morning is bad enough, but it’s even worse when you’ve got to face him with bad news from something that happened over the weekend.  What could you possibly do over the weekend that would require you to give your boss bad news on Monday morning?  Glad you asked.   I crashed…no… totaled the car. The company car.  Did I mention I’d been on the job for only two weeks when it happened?  I challenge anyone to top that Monday morning story.  

Thankfully no one was injured in the accident.  I still remember the two block walk of shame to the office that morning, after a totally sleepless Sunday night.  As my new colleagues sped by me on their way to work, I sensed more than saw them looking at me in their rear view mirrors wandering why the new girl was walking to work.  They all knew I had been given a company car and like a scene from The Office, were all peering over the receptionist’s shoulder when I arrived several minutes later.  I could have taken a cab, but in addition to the car, the company was paying for me to stay in a hotel until I found an apartment.  I thought it would be pretty presumptuous to take (and expense) a cab to work the day after totaling the car.   

 It’s a testament to the saying “time heals all wounds” that I really don’t remember much of the conversation that took place that morning.  I do remember that it involved a lot of cursing on the Reprobate’s end (in two languages) and quite a bit of apologizing and tears on mine.   I was pretty young then, so crying was one of the only coping mechanisms I had mastered at the time.  I think I must have blacked out for a couple of minutes too because I remember someone handing me a bottle of water and seeing half of it on my shirt a few minutes later…or maybe that was sweat.  In any event, my point is this.  I dreaded that Monday morning probably more than any Monday morning I’d ever had before then and have ever had since.  Yet I survived.  I made it through the swearing, spitting (yes there was spitting) and crying that day.  Had I known 10 years later that I wouldn’t even remember the conversation clearly; I would have slept that Sunday night.  Had I known that the next two years would involve a lot more cursing, a lot less tears, and me ending up no worse for the wear, I would have had a lot fewer sleepless nights. 

It took several more bad bosses and Monday morning mayhems for me to learn that we can’t always control how our bosses treat us, but we can control how we respond.  Our really bad bosses get our talents, our time and our energy, but we own our emotions and our responses to theirs, no matter how erratic they might be. The next time I was faced with a Monday morning mayhem of that magnitude, I slept on Sunday night – not like a baby – but like an adult who knew in her heart that no matter what the boss dealt me on Monday morning, everything would be all right in the end.